May 11, 2014

Dear Momma

Dear Momma, 
Today I woke up and turned over and saw your picture. The one with your awesome 80's teal dress in all its shoulder-padded glory. The one where you're holding me at just a few weeks old. The one where you timidly smile at the camera. But there is more to your beautiful sweet smile, there is pride. You were a woman of many many talents but being a mother... that was the jewel in your crown. You took pride in every single one of your babies- every single one a miracle and blessing from the Lord. To have you as an example of motherhood left me, for as long as I can remember, wanting to be the same thing. I admiringly looked over at young mommas as a kid and longed to one day hold my own babies just so I could love even a fraction of the way you could love. You had your hard days too but even then, you still loved furiously. 
I'll never forget the day I saw you weeping in your room. Concerned, I asked what was wrong. You told me "I just have so many damn kids my constant struggle is to make sure none of them feel less love than the other. I just can't bear the thought that I haven't loved them enough today." That statement didn't make much sense to me until this last year. We all knew how much you loved us, you were a pro. It wasn't that we weren't loved enough, it was that you knew what it was to lose one of us, and you gave all you possibly could to treasure what you still had. 
Momma, you suffered the loss of a baby from an ectopic pregnancy and knew how precious your children were to you. You lost your daddy too early in life too and therefore treasured every moment with those you loved. But because you loved your God more than any of these things He filled you to overflowing so you could love well, so you could love enough. You knew the triumph of choosing joy. You're still teaching me even seven years after you were commissioned to heaven. 
You left a legacy of Christ's love through your children, all of us, and we are taking up your mantle. We are ambassadors of the heavenly realms. My prayer is that all of us come to know Jesus as intimately as you did...and then some. My prayer is that when I do have my own babies, they will be raised in a home where Jesus is as real to them as He was to us. 
Last year when we lost our baby to an ectopic pregnancy it became all too real to me what it was to choose joy. I finally knew why you really could love so well. It wasn't because you had some secret super mom formula, it was because you had Jesus. I knew this but I didn't really know this. We prayed and felt like God told us he was a boy and his name was Timothy. He carried on his mantle there in the heavenly realms with his grandma. He too, is an ambassador of heaven. God was gracious enough to bless me with my mother-in-law so I can still get mom hugs (aren't they the best?!) especially during moments like those. She also sacrificed so much to raise the man of my dreams and future father of our children. 
Our baby taught me so many things in his short life. He taught me profound love. I now know, somewhat, what it was to love so furiously. 
Momma it was hard to not have you here during that time, but knowing you were the one to hold my baby even before was worth it.  Happy Mother's Day momma. Thank you for every moment of your beautiful life. You loved much more than enough.

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