I'm going to be honest with you guys...this was a hard week.
As our date for outreach approaches and our bank account dwindles, I have allowed my heart to become frustrated with God and his plans for our future. We knew beyond a doubt, through much prayer and confirmation through other believers and scripture and "that still small voice" that God called us here. We knew that we knew that we knew....ya know?!
So why then did I feel left high and dry by my Jesus?
I was such a brat.
God spanked my faithless and doubting butt. I needed it.
I think growing up I knew, and know, that God loves me, but I didn't equate His love with His provision for me. That was a harsh reality to wake up to.
The world wants to know how we are going to make it, and understands even less the concept of living on full time support. Attempting to live entirely by faith many profess but few can really understnd until they have to lay down the very thing they find the most security in, their paycheck. I would profess understanding that kind of faith...until this week. I had no idea what it meant to be "all in" until now, until I am responsible for more than just my husband and myself. This baby brings a whole new set of eyes to walking by faith.
I needed perspective.
In Hebrews it talks about the many many saints of old and all of the things they endured for the promise of heaven and they did all of these things BY FAITH. Just after that it talks about the discipline The Lord brings for His children. What an honor to be called a child of God, an heir to His kingdom, to be disciplined instead of condemned. God is shaping and stretching my trust in His provision. It's so so hard.
It can be so easy to think first of the nay-sayers, the ones who think of us as "irresponsible" all for a lack of understanding what true obedience is. The opinions of those who don't really know our heart for obedience can't be our loudest voice in our minds. Jesus beckoning us out onto the water has to be louder to us than anyone else.
This is stretching us for a lifestyle of living by faith. Our expectation of how God provides expands every day. When I spoke of us expecting God to be bigger to us, I had no idea the brevity of the words I was speaking.
Still God chose to forgive me for my small mindedness, He put His arm around me and whispered the words "I will" into my ear.
"I will provide, BECAUSE I love you"
"I will give you a healthy baby, a home, a mission field, a future and a hope. I WILL."
If the God of the universe tells you He will, He will.
That needs to be enough for me. His promise is enough.
So, when I was sick (literally) and tired and overwhelmed, God spoke. I find a new hope for today and His call on our lives. And yes, I still know that I know that I know that we are supposed to be here today.
The future is exciting, and yes, we may be literally insane by your standards but that's ok. You can just pray for us either way.
For now, we have a healthy baby, a warm place to lie our heads down, food to eat. We have laughter, we have joy. We have so much more than most, it's enough and THEN some.
Tomorrow we have all of YWAM Ireland here in Sligo for a day of fellowship and prayer for YWAM Sligo. Needless to say I am looking forward to seeing some old faces from my first DTS. We also have our scan tomorrow afternoon! Which means we get to see our baby for the first time since our 6 week scan at the very beginning. School is going well too. Learning new things every day. We have our tickets for Morocco now too! AH! It's really happening!
As far as pregnancy goes, baby is a mover and a shaker. I am feeling great, never did get that second trimester energy, but not nearly as bad as it was. My ribs are expanding which I wasn't prepared for. It's a constant dull ache until it's sharp pain for a few seconds at a time at night. All normal for a person of "my short torsoed stature" I guess. If that's all I can claim though I would say all is worth it.
Thank you for those of you who take the time to read these and pray for us. You are appreciated and needed. God bless you all until next time- Team B